sometimes glass glitters

 [−]
zx. 20+. wants(1 gpa to stay abv 4.00 (2 big watsons dog/guitar lessons/tohoshinki cds/dvds/polaroid camera(on a whimsy)/new sandals/dresses!/skirts/tops/shorts... (3 summer holidays to come soon

more than diamonds

 [−]

goodbye


designer: eminence.
image: Sara Bareilles' Site
background: Photobucket quote: Terry Pratchett

Sunday, October 05, 2008


I got nostalgic. And jealous. And a little sad. (If you can't tell I'm going to write a semi-rambly-emo post and get yourself out if you don't want to read it then too bad.)

I have tonnes of friends (an exaggeration of course) on facebook that I've hardly spoken to in weeks, months and some even years. And I can't really say I miss them. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some heartless inhumane creature (no I'm really not) but I guess being out of their lives (and them being out of mine) for such a long while, I've gotten accustomed to not having them around. I still remember the transition from primary school to secondary school, I was afraid, terrified even, of going somewhere without my friends. Without really knowing anyone there. I liked familiarity and I was sure I'd miss my friends, which I did. I had a clique in primary school, of about 4 or 5 people. All of whom went to another school (which I wasn't in) and I felt alone. And being only of a tender age of about 12/13, it was hard to meet up out of school, what with curfews, limited spending power and all. So, we drifted. Or rather I drifted away. Future outings inclusive of the entire batch of geppers lasted a year or two? And I always felt that conversations were awkward (or maybe I made them awkward), but it was hard to get over the insecurities (of doing less well and being in a supposedly less prestigious school) and the company of new friends in secondary school made me feel even less attached to them. Even via instant messenger, there seemed to be a lack of common topics, generic questions like 'how's life? how's school? how's everyone?' seemed to start every conversation and while it was acceptable for about a day or two, asking that on a daily basis just seems dumb.

But everything seemed alright, school's busy seemed an acceptable excuse and with each awkward moment and conversation, it got easier and easier to just avoid and stick with the new familiar. Not surprisingly, I had a clique in secondary school too, of about 4people inclusive of me (see a trend forming?) and we were close. Close enough that it was to this group of people I spill my guts out to, and maybe it was a combination of teenage hormones and tumultuous teen years too that made me seek comfort with this group of people. And I'm really grateful they stuck with me through the 2? years of my upper secondary school life. CCA started properly in secondary school, there I had (amazingly talented) juniors and batchmates and seniors. My seniors I was probably only close to one (whom I somehow then became her heiress to lots of random positions and stuff) and my batchmates I still see at least once every 6 months where we update each other, eat (pizza hut?) and talk. The conversation may be shallow, but at least we're still in contact and I don't have to stalk them over fb to know how they're doing. I adored my juniors in secondary school most (I guess), being non-SL in jc and having a totally different practice system made it harder to spend lots of time with the juniors and bond with them. (I am still of the opinion I spoiled them rotten in secondary school with sweets, 茶叶蛋 and sugary excuses for lunch. But I enjoyed it, and I hope they did too.) Then we graduated.

This time though, I was part of the majority. We ended up somewhere diagonally across the road and I thought this might be different. Contact with the other friend faded quickly, perhaps without even a bit of effort on both sides. )= In JC, due to differences in classes, I even drifted away from the two of them while in the same school. Relationships take effort on both sides and I know I wasn't pulling my weight and it was inevitable that feelings would fade eventually. But to fill in that gap I had a new class, new people and new friends. Somehow (as much as I love my class), I don't really feel like I've had very close friends in class. I have never gone all emotional in school (or at least I don't remember) and confided in them my deepest darkest secrets. CCA took up more time, I threw myself into hc, enjoying the time it took up and the bond forged with the people inside. But like lots of other relationships, the friendships forged there were one of convenience and proximity? -> Not possible to work for hours a day with people and not make friends with them. After hc ended, things were harder to maintain and.. Well you get the idea. CO was an eye opener, to say the least. While I didn't really move away from people I used to be familiar with, I'm happy to say I did grow closer to others. ^^

And now, I'm in university. My course is small(ish) but we're not close. )= (As much as I'd like for our class to be super close and go for large outings and laugh and endure this 5 year course together, I know I cannot be the one to start things due to prejudice against certain individuals in class will fuel the way I work/treat people/do things). Anyway I'm quite comfortably settled with a group of people (clique # = 7 (NOT 8)) and I hope I'll make an effort to keep in contact with this group of people after we graduate. It'll probably not be easy, what with all of us going our own ways after school and having to take on adult responsibilities and work. =/ But I'll try. And I hope you do too. ^^

Now, I'm really really really happy people in my class still organise outings (that are totally random and I say this because I just got a message for one on Saturday) and I hope it'll continue even after the guys go to uni and are faced with the daunting prospect of school. And I'm blessed to have boonpin, who initiates conversations with me on msn and lets me know I'm not forgotten (and neither is she) and whom I can talk to about anything with. Then there's cheegake! Who I really only got to know properly in jc and whom bakes with me and whom I share an abusive relationship with. (But i still luffs her!) And I talk to cheegake about lots of things too, and I'm blessed to have people who know me so well (and are still friends with me). I couldn't of course leave out my darling senior, geraldine (are you reading this? cos I'm not sure this is ever going to happen again) who has managed to be a good counsel in times of trouble and someone whom I can go to to whine about nearly anything and who meets me for random breakfasts so we can catch up and talk and rubbish about things for long hours (till macs breakfast hour is long gone). And while I look back and think of all the friends I've missed (now more of memories I miss, but more on that later) I'm also thankful for all the friends I've had and still have. Especially the close ones. So if you haven't been mentioned here (which is highly likely) and you're a friend, I apologise, but these people are super special and I just want you to know you're great too, especially if you've been at the receiving end of my often thoughtless sarcasm and acidic tongue. Sorry, and thanks, for being around, having been around and especially to those that are still sticking around.

P.S. This post really deserves a full name mention, but if any of you people up there would like your name replaced with initials/something fancier/something that no one recognises because you would like your association with me to be known by as little people as possible, please do tell me and I'll change it, promise. (=
P.P.S. To people who think you should be there but aren't (this is mostly a friends post, so more than friends and less than friends people are politely excluded) drop me a note, evil if it must be to remind me of what a terrible ingrate I am for forgetting you. And I might, if I'm in the mood, continue this post another day, just for you. ^^

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the jealousy bit, staring at long lost friends' facebook photos, college names and various bits of information, I'm completely green eyed with envy that they look gorgeous, are super smart (and studying overseas-> sorry, very ingrained mentality that overseas/+scholarship=supersmart), successful, have tonnes of friends (that they seem to be in contact with) and look like they're having lots and lots of fun! (But because jealousy is a green eyed monster and only a small number of monsters I know are adorable, cute and extremely lovely, I shall leave this at that.)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And onto the sad bit. When I said I don't miss my friends from long ago, I know I'm incapable of missing them as a friend now because they've changed and I've changed and I'm not sure how well we clique/click(?) together now. What I do miss are the memories we had together, of primary school when there was really nothing to worry about and after exams meant lots of class to class visiting, classroom table tennis (way before the singapore table tennis team made it hip), the pyramid game, tacky autograph books etc. In secondary school I miss the memories of just being together, having to spend hours in school either for studying, cca... Recess breaks! Always used to be fun, sharing fruits and hoping they didn't ferment and rot in my bag by 1030(?) and memorising dates and factors for history and numbers of duck/geese that peed in the pond and all. (On a side note, I was looking for my animal farm text that day and I'm devastated that I'm unable to find it. )= Many good memories that one.) And so it makes me sad that I yearn and long so much for things I once had (and never really appreciated) and can never get back again. Never in the same perfect, exact way things were. But looking back is not always encouraged, look forward! (Though I'm not exactly looking forward to the test tomorrow, fast forward and I can see the end of the test!)

(Pardon the excessive use of 'but's, 'then's and 'and's in this post, I know it doesn't make for easy reading or fluidity, but it's my flow of thought, so there. Anyone bothered enough to count the number of above words used in this post might get a sweet! (just kidding) Much luff to people who actually read the whole of this.